Thursday, August 31, 2017

Reminder

Listen, if I'm not ranting about something here, make sure you visit me at my other place:

Underemployed Is the New Organic

Plenty to love there.

Ciao!

Connie


Monday, July 31, 2017

Anthony, We Hardly Knew Ya

Dear Anthony,

I told you to stop shooting your mouth off, and now look where it got you.  Fired by a guy who puts ketchup on a steak.  And his Irish general friend.  If it makes you feel any better, your worst meal was better than anything they ever put in their mouths.

I'm sorry you got fired.  You were funny.  Not like the rest of those jamokes.

Well, take a vacation.  Write a book.  I'll buy it, promise.  And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.  Actually, you don't know where to find me. 

Ask the Russians.  They probably do.

In boca al lupo and don't be a stranger.

Your fourth cousin, once removed,

Connie 




Thursday, July 27, 2017

Hey, Anthony!

Jeez, calm down!

You're quoting Joe Paterno and talking about hanging people.  One more stupid thing out of your mouth and I'll be wondering - like everybody else - what you're putting up your nose.

Take a nap or something.

Your fourth cousin, once removed,

Connie Staccato

Sunday, July 23, 2017

My Cousin Anthony

Would you believe it?  Anthony Scaramucci is my fourth cousin! 

Once removed.

Hey, Anthony!  It's me, Connie.  The last time we saw each other was at Aunt Lena's wedding and you were about six.  Congratulations, and don't get a swelled head.

I saw you on TV the other night.  Jesus, are you kidding me?  Anthony, some advice.  Stop combing your hair with a rake and put on a tie that isn't shiny!  You look like an undertaker, for chrissakes.  And stop telling everybody about all the shit you're gonna do.  That's not how Sicilians operate, in case you forgot.

And lastly, Mooch, listen to me here.  Just because you're hanging out with that big orange gagootz doesn't mean you can say stuff that isn't true.

Remember, St. Anthony can hear you.




Friday, May 26, 2017

Dear President Cafone

Dear Mr. Trump,

How's that little vay-cay working out for you?  Here's what we know so far:
  1. Your wife can't stand you.
  2. Maybe because you're a rat bastard?
  3. Your son-in-law is even creepier than you are.
  4. Your suits don't fit.  Not even close.
  5. French people make fun of you.
  6. They didn't make fun of Obama.  Just sayin'.
  7. His Holiness thinks you're a jerk.  
  8. And when I first saw your ladies at the Vatican, I thought "Who died?"
  9. You really like Saudi Arabians. 
  10. Probably because they give you (and your creepy kids) money.
  11. And shiny things.
  12. World peace?  Fugeddaboudit.
So you're in Sicily now, are you? Let me give you a list of Sicilian words you're gonna hear.  A lot.  I don't know how they're spelled, but they sound like this:

boodagots

chooch

gabbaroos

gabbados

gabbadeegots

gogoots

gooloo

jadrool

jamoke

skoochamend

stroonz

stoonahd

vafangool



They all pretty much mean the same thing.  Except for the last one.  But I think the word you're gonna hear the most is cafone.  Like, you are the EMBODIMENT of a cafone.  Take, for example, what you did to the Prime Minister of Montenegro.  Smooth move, James Bond.  The jacket flick was a nice touch. 

Seriously, chooch, in the Italian dictionary next to cafone is your picture.

Hope this helps,

Connie Staccato
Sicilian-American





(BTW, a special "grazi'!" to the American-Italian dictionary at americanitalian.net.)




Monday, March 28, 2016

Underemployed Is the New Organic - Available on Amazon

So my alter-ego FINALLY finished her book:

Underemployed Is the New Organic

Just the paperback is available right now, Kindle version to follow soon.  Also available on Amazon Europe.

Of course, as SOON as she (which is me, it's not easy being bi-polar) approved it for publishing, her (my) husband Anthony found a mistake in the text.  Which he thought was very funny.  Which she (I) thought was grounds for divorce.

Now the work begins on the second book (really Volume II of the first book), which has a working title of "Pass the Vodka".  (Wish I had some now.) 

And this time Anthony is gonna do the proof-reading.

God help him.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Food Coma

I'm going to begin today by defining for you what Italians mean by a "heavy fork".

A heavy fork is a person who likes to eat a lot of food.  I'm not talking about every day, all the time.  I'm talking about sitting down, hungry, like for Sunday dinner.  A heavy fork doesn't do well in one of those restaurants where they charge you two months of lunch for a steak the size of your palm with a curly leaf on top and stuff squiggled on the plate underneath.  Heavy forks like old style restaurants where they fill your plate.  Bonus points if the menu is written on a chalkboard and/or they don't accept credit cards.

So a heavy fork is not necessarily a fat person.  Many are quite thin.  They can exist for weeks on salads and sardines and buttered toast.  Maybe a little zuppa.  My husband, Anthony, is one of these people.  Some people think that I am, too, but they don't know the size of my hips because I'm really good at hiding it.

I'm saying all this because today I'm doing something with leftover turkey.  Turkey tetrazzini.  And to understand the recipe, you also need to understand the following:
  1. We are heavy forks;
  2. Turkey tetrazzini tastes really, really good;
  3. When something tastes good we want to eat lots of it.
This recipe, like many of mine, comes from The Joy of Cooking.  Sort of.  The problem with recipes from The Joy of Cooking is that the authors are neither Italian nor (apparently) heavy forks.  Their recipes are generally for 4 to 6 Puritans, which will generally satisfy 2 Italians.  Maybe.  So, most of the time, I have to translate.  The beautiful thing is that it works.

Turkey tetrazzini is maybe the best thing you can do with your leftover turkey.  Because it is made with a lot of cream sauce, it's the perfect thing to make with dried-out white meat.  This is an easy recipe, but not fast, so allow yourself some time.  Take the opportunity to finish off any leftover wine from the holiday.

Turkey Tetrazzini
Wash and slice a big package of mushrooms.  I wash my mushrooms.  Some people don't.  If you don't wash your mushrooms, please don't tell me about it.  Saute the mushrooms in olive oil and a little butter.  Cook a pound of pasta.  I like "little" pasta for the tetrazzini because then you can serve it with a big spoon and it doesn't slide all over the place, but a lot of people use angel hair.  Today I used "mini-farfalle" (little butterflies).  Just as cute as it sounds.

While you're waiting for the water to boil, make the sauce.  It takes a long time, sorry.  Start on the wine.  To make the sauce, melt a stick of butter in a deep pot.  Add 8 tablespoons of flour.  Cook and stir, over medium heat, until smooth and bubble.  Gradually add 4 cups of chick broth (canned is fine) or bouillon, stirring constantly and bringing to a boil after each addition.  It will start to get thick.  After you finish adding the chicken broth, salt and pepper to taste.  Add two cups of heated cream or half-and-half.  Bring to a simmer.

Drain the pasta and add the mushrooms to it.  Cut up some leftover turkey into small pieces and add it to the pasta and mushrooms.  Pour the hot sauce over every and mix well.

Now, pour the whole thing into a large, buttered baking dish.  Sprinkle with parmigiano or romano cheese, or whatever you got.  Bake in a 375 degree over until the cheese starts to brown.

Buon appetito.

And don't worry about the calories.  You won't be eating many more of them until Christmas Eve.