Sunday, February 15, 2015

A Thousand Words

Over the past few days there's been a picture cropping up all over the Internet, everywhere I look.  The picture is of Helena Bonham Carter.  Naked.  With a tuna.  A tuna that's not in a can.

I haven't clicked on the picture to find out what the story is (tempting as it may be), because I'm having so much more fun speculating on what possible reasons an apparently intelligent adult woman with a lot of goddam money would have for doing this.

Let's start with the tuna.  Why a tuna?  Why not a squid?  Was it alive?  It doesn't appear to be thrashing, though it must have been recently caught because it looks pretty healthy.  But why would somebody want to get naked and snuggle a dead tuna?

Which brings up the next point.  Helena, cara mia, what's with the naked?  I know you just broke up with your whack-job boyfriend, Tim Burton, and maybe you're trying to beat him to the punch with some revenge porn, because naked-with-a-tuna would be right up his alley, capeesh?   I'm sure you'd rather have it done tastefully.  But still, sweetheart, you're 48 years old, and...seriously?  I mean, I know 50 is the new 30 and all that, but it's not.  Not really.  Ask your children.  If they won't tell you, you can borrow mine.  My daughter, Nikki, got hives the one time I was thinking about getting a nose ring.

Maybe it's a live tuna.  Maybe they gave it some Tuna Prozac to cool it out long enough for the shot.  Maybe Helena's putting the message out there, "Hey!  Fish are people, too.  Don't eat them.  Look how much I love this one!"

Whatever.  It's a great picture.

And it's inspiring me to give you a fish recipe.  Just in time for Lent.

Linguine with White Clam Sauce
Sounds gourmet, right?  Don't be scared.  This is even easier than the marina sauce. 
Heat up about a quarter cup of olive oil in a big, deep skillet over medium heat.  Mince some garlic (4-6 cloves) and cook it in the oil until light brown.  Throw in a couple of anchovies, to give it a goose.  Add three cans of minced clams, juice and all (turn off the heat first or it will spritz).  Bring to a boil, turn down the heat, and cook until the clams are sort of pink.  Add about a quarter cup of chopped parsley (fresh is best, but don't stress out about it), and salt and pepper to taste (don't skimp).  Serve over cooked linguine.  I shouldn't have to say "cooked", but you never know.

Serve with a salad, crusty bread, cheese, and wine.  White wine would be the thing, but I drink red wine with everything because I found out it makes you skinny (I'm still waiting).  And some lemon ice or sorbetto for dessert.  You're serving fish, you need a little something to counteract it, after the fact.

Word of advice:  If you're feeding Americans, don't mention the anchovies.  Americans are afraid of anchovies, the same way they're afraid of beets.  Trust me.  They'll never know.

Buon appetito.


  1. If you like anchovies so much then I suggest you pose naked with one. Sorry. I'm American. I hate anchovies and I don't like people sneaking them into my sauce. Could I perhaps substitute beets?

  2. This recipe is so tempting as well, I can really visualize it right before my eyes.
    As for the picture of Helena I went to peek it and it is beautiful for sure, You were right about one of your assumptions
    And she is certainly one of the weirdest actresses of all times!

    Bacci tanti


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