I had my wisdom teeth taken out last Monday.
Not nearly as painful as I thought it was going to be, and I was in the process of berating myself for being a big whiny baby, when I fell asleep. And didn't wake up for 96 hours.
When I finally did wake up, I was in my living room. It was 1972 and I was wearing something hideous. Wait, no, those were just the images I was pulling up on my computer from all the various Fashion Weeks going on around the world. I'm not lying when I say that worse than having my wisdom teeth pulled out was waking up and finding out that we're having a '70s fashion revival.
Please, St. Anthony and the Blessed Virgin, not the '70s. Any other decade but the '70s. Those of us who count ourselves amongst the survivors will tell you: the '70s were nobody's friend. The '60s were fun, the '80s were silly, the '90s were at least comfortable. But the '70s??? There were earth tones in the '70s, colors like "pumpkin" and "avocado" and "harvest gold". And brown. Lots and lots of brown. Everyone wore "fat clothes" and had long, straight, stringy hair. The only way I can explain '70s fashion is I think LSD was still legal back then.
I should have seen the signs, when wedges started creeping back onto the fashion scene, that muumuus wouldn't be far behind. And "flares" (yeah, those look great tucked into your boots). And let's not forget fringe. Who doesn't want to look like a macrame hanging planter?
But the real bottom-feeder in all of this was the new "boyfriend" jeans I saw being sold by a major retailer. Sure, if your boyfriend's name is "Lil' Loco" and he's out on probation. I know that fashion needs to keep changing in order to fund the industry, but...really?
There's an upside, though. As long as it looks like saggy-baggy is here to stay for a while, here's a little something fattening for you that I found on the Internet:
Brain-Dead Easy Chocolate Mousse
Buy a box of instant chocolate pudding mix. Or any flavor, vanilla's good, too, but make sure it's the instant stuff. Put it in a bowl and add two cups of whipping cream. Beat with a whisk for 2 - 2 1/2 minutes. Eat. Enjoy. Get fat. Go buy a muumuu.
Since Monday, I've only been allowed food that doesn't have to be chewed. This stuff fit the bill. True, healthy smoothies would have fit the bill, too. But what fun is that?
In a world that suddenly looks like an Olsen twin's nightmare, I think I need a little comfort food.