Raise your right hand.
"I, (your name here), solemnly swear, with Connie Staccato and God as my witnesses, to never EVER again eat something that doesn't taste fan-freakin'-tastico."
Okay, done. Now you're safe. Unless you're a four-star chef with a lot of time on your hands, you will eat healthy for the rest of your life. Let's call it the "How Can You Eat That Shit?" diet.
Let me tell you about the last time I ate a McDonald's burger.
I was coming home from work. It was a mega-stressful day, so I had gone out for cocktails with my assistant (like I needed an excuse). I was a little early for my train, and I was hammered. I was thinking that I needed some carbs. And salt. So I went to McDonald's. Ground zero of carbs and salt. Big Mac and fries.
One bite. And I thought: "This is disgusting."
Which it is. Except for the first few fries. After that the inside of your mouth feels like the Exxon Valdez disaster. For days.
Still, it would be worth it - calories, sodium, grease, and all - if it tasted great. I love salty, greasy food. I can wolf down a sausage calzone with the best of 'em. My husband Anthony can't be trusted around Doritos. What I don't like is salty, greasy nasty food.
It's simply not worth it.
Now, a banana split? That tastes fantastic, especially if it's made with real ice cream and not some lame fro-yo crap. But how many banana splits can you eat? Even if you eat one every day, my guess is you won't be eating much else, so your calorie count will still be within reason. And you'll be happy. Gotta feed your head, too, you know.
You see how this works? Best. Diet. Ever.
Restaurant food? Yeah, there are some amazing restaurants out there. But how often can you afford to eat at them? If you answered "all the time", then you can afford a fat farm, too. And good doctors.
The bottom line is, by taking the pledge, you're going to end up eating a lot of home cooking. Preferably your own. Because when you make your own food, not only is it cheap and delicious (if you're using my recipes), but you burn calories while you cook. This is true. I read it on the Internet.
Here's a pledge recipe for you, courtesy of my son, Nino:
Venezuelan Chicken Salad
Roast a chicken (recipe: put chicken in a big pan and roast it). OR buy one of those roasted chickens they sell at the grocery store. Whichever. Slice off the chicken breasts (hint: they're not the legs or the wings), put them in a big bowl, and then take two forks and shred up the meat. Chop up and add some garlic, red onion and/or scallions, red bell pepper, and cilantro. Add an avocado (squeeze some fresh lemon or lime juice over it before you mix it in so it doesn't turn brown). Add about a half a cup of Greek yogurt. The avocado and the yogurt take the place of mayonnaise, which is nasty. (Nino says he won't touch it unless he's eating quality french fries. In Belgium.)
Salt and pepper to taste.
EVERYTHING in this chicken salad qualifies as healthy food. And it tastes amazing. AND you get to eat the rest of the chicken as leftovers. Stuff yourself. What's not to love here?
"But, Connie," you might be saying. "What if I'm in the middle of nowhere, or Iowa, and there's no pledge-worthy food around?"
Then you gotta make some sacrifices. Anthony recommends Doritos and a Coke.